Thursday, May 22, 2008

Life's Path Questioned

Have you ever felt that you are walking down a road that could (or even should) be different? I sometimes feel that way about my life. As if the path I am on is not the one I should be on. Not that the path I have chosen is not rewarding and challenging, but rather that it wasn't the optimum path for me. The inherent 'procrastination' in my personality has perhaps limited me from achieving my potential 'glory'. And I say this keeping in mind that life is what you make of it. So, am I making the most of it or just taking the easy way out?

Now, most people who really know me would probably contend that I don't take the easy path. But internally, I know that I also don't live up to my potential. I am confident that I could be successful at Harvard or Wharton, but I didn't even apply. It makes me wonder... Do I sabotage myself? Do I limit my choices because of unconscious insecurities? I have to wonder. I can't help being plagued by envy for those who are achieving the recognition/positions that I aspire to have.

Does the validation of Harvard or Wharton..or even Stanford.. necessary for me to believe in myself? To believe that I am equally capable?

Monday, March 17, 2008

Poor, yet so Rich

The year of revolution. Not countries, not cities, not communities… just me. Revolutionizing the ‘me’. Pulling down the barriers and fears. Revealing a pride at being the best ‘me’ that I could be. The year of revolution. The year of enlightenment.

What comes from playing safe? Missed opportunities, “what if?” questions that haunt you for years, stunted/limited successes, no real stake in the game of life. You don’t lose…but you certainly don’t win. Do I need to worry about how I am perceived at all times? I have a good heart, altruistic motivators, and an internal strength that is reliable. Why should I really worry that someone may not like me? The year of revolution. The year of enlightenment.

I feel the changes in me. I’m not embarrassed or as shy as I was before. I’m not afraid of confronting things head on. My self confidence has grown, enabling me to calm down and focus on my priorities in life. This year of giving back… The year of revolution. The year of enlightenment.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Confessions of Boxing Vengeance

In a world filled with dire predictions relating to personal safety, I have taken the initiative to learn some self defense in the form of a Muay Thai Boxing class. We meet once a week to learn technique and build our fighting endurance. This past week’s class was a test to the later. Because we had an odd number of students in class, our instructor asked an advanced student to stay behind after the prior class and act as one of our sparring partners. Given my innate luck to draw expertise whether I solicit it or not held true. I was paired with the advanced student. This guy has been boxing for 30+ years.

Okay, so we had several exercises to do. The first one was a jab-jab-kick-push combo. So, we were supposed to practice for ten minutes with each person taking turns at being the aggressor and the other the defender. Well, as luck would have it… my partner always defended and I was always the one practicing. Which translated into me doing the combo non-stop for 10 minutes. To make matters even more interesting, I was constantly critiqued as to style, force, accuracy, and endurance. I would look at the others in my class and see them laughing… enjoying the exercise. Then I’d be scolded for losing focus and not keeping my eyes on my opponent. I did appreciate the one-on-one tutoring I received from this experienced fighter, but I can tell you I was exhausted.

After the exercise, my one-on-one coaching did not cease. We all do squats, abdominal exercises, lunges, etc. For each exercise we did, he had a twist that made them more challenging and strenuous. Me being me, I couldn’t say no. After all, he is more experienced and was acting as my teacher. No one asked him to do this, he was taking it upon himself. So, I did the more strenuous squats, abdominal exercises, lunges, etc. I was sweating like a man (not something girls like to admit too) and breathing like I had sprinted a mile. He even gave me ‘homework’ to do over the week to help ‘train’ my muscles.

When I returned home, I decided to examine my form in our bathroom mirrors. One weakness that the instructor noted was that my left jab did not carry the same force or speed as my right. I decided to check it out. Sure enough, my left jab looked very girly and lacked momentum. Combined, the jab looked ineffective and definitely wouldn’t do any damage to an attacker. I then decided to see my right jab. As soon as I let the jab fly, I could feel the difference as well as see it. The momentum made the motion a fluid body movement, the speed would surprise an attacker, and the jab looked controlled (thus possibly accurate). But unfortunately, there was still a deficiency in my jab. Not so much form but in my ability to estimate distance. CRACK! My unprotected knuckles made contact with the wooden frame of the mirror, resulting in a scraped skin and jammed fingers. On the plus side, if I was attacked I’d know what pain to expect when my hand made contact with a person.

I could feel my boxing activities the next day; in the blisters on the balls of my feet, the tenderness of my hand, the deep stiffness in my upper back muscles and upper thighs.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Living for Today

People often say, "Think before you speak." Most assume this prevents you from saying something you would later wish you hadn't said. But I believe that there is a greater application to the essence of this proverb. "Think before you Die." Do you want to be remembered as the person who OD-ed, was reckless, was a family person, achieved the impossible, etc.

So what is prompting this depressing topic. Well, yesterday Heath Ledger passed away. They say it was an accident. I can't help but think how sad it is that he died. He had so much to live for...after all, he was successful, had a daughter he adored, and for all intents and purposes was living a good life. But death doesn't discriminate.

Yesterday, I couldn't help but consider my own mortality. And I started to wonder about how I should live my life given I may 'accidentally' die one day too (car accident, plane crash, brain blood clot....). I came up with a list of activities, movies, food, people, etc. that I wanted to experience. I want my obituary to talk about how I lived my life, how I touched other peoples lives, and ultimately that my life was of value to others. I think everyone's life has value. I just want to ensure that what I consider value is reflected in my life actions. Make sense?

Let's say there is life after death. I don't want to think for eternity, "If only I had..." Instead, I'm going to "Think before I die." Sometimes I think I spend so much time planning the future, that I forget the present. Which leads to a new mantra for me...in the form of one of the oldest proverbs "Carpe Diem."

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Changing Winds

How do you define success? Within the past 2 months, I have come to question my definition of success. After all, is it my definition or just a definition that was assigned by my employer, by my parents, and by the society I live in. I do not believe that I have taken the time to look at who I am and what I need to achieve to be happy. Consequently, that lack of self reflection has pushed me into an environment where I am a chimp. I compete for survival based on a set of rules that have never been actively accepted by me. Did I consciously decide that money, power, and prestige were success indicators for me? As a child, did we consciously covet these things? I remember valuing my friends, family, ability to day dream, positivity. So, why is it that today I have succumbed to the allure of material objects? Did I become that 'comfortable' that I forgot who I was and what I value most in life?

Well, it is better to have this conversation with myself now rather than when I'm retiring. This way, I won't look back on my life and think "If only I had chosen another path..."

My definition of success is waiting to be defined. But it will no longer be defined by the bank, by my parents, or by society. It will be defined by me, accepted by me, and lived by me. Life is what you make of it... a truth that has hit home. And I intend to make the most of the opportunity.

Friday, October 12, 2007

So Happy

I'm so happy it's Friday. What is it about a 4 day week and time seeming to move slower? It may just me who suffers from this, but I've been thinking it's Friday for two days now. I think I just want it to be Friday that badly :). I think the whole weather cool-down (went from 90 degrees to 54 degrees overnight) and the Monday holiday... It's just combined and made me wish for a weekend to slow down and cuddle up with a good movie/book/blanket.

I also am ready to get out of the office. I can't concentrate for some reason. Perhaps the erratic sleep pattern I've had this week has contributed to the issue. Who knows. This week I went to 3 evening presentations, which meant I wasn't getting home until 10:30 ish. I went to a Kaplan center and took a practice GMAT (which I did well on), then I went to a University of Michigan Ross School of Business Presentations, and finally I taught a Marketing class. And I was so overbooked, I had to schedule more stuff after those evening sessions (such as searching for an apartment).

So, I love where I am living right now. But the commute is killing me. Not that I would stay at my friend's parents' home forever. Anyway, the main thing is I keep thinking that I won't 'figure' out what I want to do with my life driving in my car. I want to reconnect with me and my interests. Of course, the drive did help me figure out one thing... I'll never want to be a bus driver, taxi cab driver, truck driver, etc. You get the gist. I hate being in a moving vehicle (and even more so, traffic) for a few hours a day, let alone ALL day. :)

So, today is Friday... I don't have too many plans. Actually to be exact, I have ZERO plans. I've been craving going to the theater and watching a movie. But I think I will fore go on that... my self imposed budget no longer allows for such things. I do need to find an apartment. My sister just e-mailed me and told me she may be assigned to a Chicago project for a few months... in which case, she thinks I should stay with her. But, I don't know if that's a good idea. Living in a hotel room... Would I just be putting off the inevitable?

Okay, so this post isn't really that amusing or enlightening. It's just a day in my life... or in my head. Sometimes I think that's why I'm so nuts... look at how much is going on in my life and in my head. It would stress a Buddhist monk out. :) Okay, that may be an exaggeration...

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Easy Breathing... and not so easy

I guess I am happier now that I am out of Big-Bad-Corporate-Consultant Life. I feel like I can breathe and be quirky again... :) Not that I wasn't doing this before, I can just do it freely now. It's hard to explain... and yet not so hard. Anyway, I think Chase has let go of me and I have let go of them. We are each other's past...nothing to be too attached to.

Well, life right now is the same as always... I'm commuting way too long to work, which wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have other things I wanted to do with my time. I'm also running in 10 different directions, but not in the ways I want to be. I want to take a painting class... and a Kathak dance class... but, when you spend 3.5 hours on the road, you run out of time in your day. Or you keep spending your weekends traveling... eek, the time flies. So, Step One - I'm looking for a place in the city. I have some possibilities, so hopefully I'll have a place by the end of the month. There is one apartment that has 2 guys and 1 girl already living there. I'm not sure about living with boys... Being a good indian girl, it is not something I have done before. The other place would be me and another girl, but the other girl is thinking of just finding another place to live... so, that's not definite. In the end, I'm sure it will end up being a budget driven decision. Step Two - Applying to Grad Schools. And then Step 3 - Taking my classes... This may happen concurrent to Step Two. So... great plans, we'll see how well I pull them off.

Right, so that's all the news I have for today. I'm excited that I scored free hot chocolate from Starbucks... did I mention it was FREE. :) I'm not a cheapie, but it's always fun to get a little something for free.